Sir David 

Wears 
A Crown 



BY 



STUART WALKER 










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Stewart Kidd 

MODERN PLAYS 

EDITED BY 

FRANK SHAY 



Stewart Kidd Play Series 

The Portmanteau Plays 

By STUART WALKER 

Edited and with an introduction by Edward Hale Bierstadt 



Brooklyn Eagle: "All of the plays in these attractive maroon 
volumes are literary without being pedantic, and dramatic 
without being noisy. They are a genuine addition to the 
steadily growing list of worthwhile plays by American drama- 
tists. Stewart Kidd are to be congratulated on presenring 
them to the public in such attractive format." 



Vol. I — Portmanteau Plays 

Introduction 

The Trimplet 

Nevertheless 

Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil 

Medicine Show 

Vol. 2 — ^More Portmanteau Plays 

Introduction 

The Lady of the Weeping Willow Tree 

The Very Naked Boy 

Jonathan Makes a Wish 

Vol. 3 — Portmanteau Adaptations 

Introduction 

Gammer Gurton's Needle 

The Birthday of the Infanta 

Sir David Wears a Crown 

Nellijumbo 

Each of the above volumes handsomely hound and illus- 
trated. Per volume net, in Silk Cloth, $2.^0; K Turkey 
Morocco, $8.$o. 



/ STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS / 
Edited by Frank Shay ^ 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 



Stewart Kidd Play Series 

The Portmanteau Plays 

By STUART WALKER 

Edited and with an introduction by Edward Hale Bierstadt 



Brooklyn F^gle: "All of the plays in these attractive maroon 
volumes are Uterary without being pedantic, and dramatic 
without being noisy. They are a genuine addition to the 
steadily growing list of worthwhile plays by American drama- 
tists. Stewart Kidd are to be congratulated on presenting 
them to the public in such attractive format." 



Vol. I — Portmanteau Plays 

Introduction 

The Trimplet 

Nevertheless 

Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil 

Medicine Show 

Vol. 2 — More Portmanteau Plays 

Introduction 

The Lady of the Weeping Willow Tree 

The Very Naked Boy 

Jonathan Makes a Wish 

Vol. 3 — Portmanteau Adaptations 

Introduction 

Gammer Gurton's Needle 

The Birthday of the Infanta 

Sir David Wears a Crown 

Nellijumbo 

Each of the above volumes handsomely bound and illus- 
trated. Per volume net, in Silk Cloth, $2.^0; ^ Turkey 
Morocco, $8.$o. 



^SIK DAVID 
WEARS A CROWN 



BY 

STUART WALKER 

Author of Portmanteau Plays and More Portmanteau Plays 
and Portmanteau Adaptations 




CINCINNATI 

STEWART KIDD COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



L^ 






Copyright, 1922, by 
STEWART KIDD COMPANY 



y 



All Rights Reserved 
Copyright in England 






This play is fully protected by copyrights. All public 
performances are forbidden. All dramatic and produc- 
ing rights are retained by Stuart Walker, who may be 
addressed at 304 Carnegie Hall, New York City. 



MAR 1 7 1922 



OLD 6 0403 



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MURAT THEATRE, INDIANAPOLIS, JUNE 24, 

1921 

THE FIRST PERFORMANCE OF 

SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

A Play in One Act 
(A Sequel to Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil) 



Prologue to the Performance . .Tom Powers 

The Prologue Edwin Noel 

The Device-Bearer James Morgan 

You-in-the-Audience You and Others 

The Population Aldrich Bowker 

The Soldiery John Wray 

The Mime Oscar Davisson 

The Milkmaid Helen Burch 

The Blindman Walter Vonnegut 

The Ballad-Singer Stuart Walker 

The King's Trumpeter Oakley Richey 

His Majesty, The King George Somnes 

The King's Councillor Robert McGroarty 

The King's Great-Aunt Elizabeth Patterson 

The Headsman McKay Morris 

Her Majesty, The Queen Judith Lowry 

Sir David Little-Boy Robert Masters 

His Mother Blanche Yurka 

Scenery designed by Stuart Walker and Oakley Richey. Cos- 
tumes by Frank j. Zimmerer and Wilmot Heitland. Properties by 
Frank J. Zimmerer. 



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SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

A PLAY IN ONE ACT 

(A Sequel to Six Who Pass While the 
Lentils Boil) 

An Outline of Six Who Pass While the 
Lentils Boil 

While the Boy watches boiling lentils for his Mother, 
six people pass: The condemned ^een, whom he 
promises to hide until after the hour set for her 
decapitation; the Mime, who tempts him to leave 
his duty; the Milkmaid, who tells him of the 
reward offeredfor the ^een and makes him wish 
he had not made a promise; the Blindman, who 
shows him why it is best to keep a promise; the 
Ballad-Singer, who would rather wander all his 
life than break a promise; and the dreadful 
Headsman who, outwitted by the Boy, finds the 
^ueen too late. Her Majesty gratefully knights 
Sir David Little-Boy and takes him in state to 
the Kings castle. He is free to go, because by 
this time the lentils have boiled. He has done his 
duty and he has kept his promise. 



CHARACTERS 

The Prologue 
The Device-Bearer 
you-in-the-audience 



The Population 
The Soldiery 
The Mime 
The Milkmaid 
The Blindman 
The Ballad-Singer 
The King's Trumpeter 
His Majesty, the King 
The King's Councillor 
Her Highness, the King's Great- 
Aunt 
The Headsman 
Her Majesty, the Queen 
Sir David Little-Boy 
His Mother 

The scene is a gateway to the King's Castle. 
The time ts when you will. 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

{The Prologue and the Device-Bearer enter ^ 

PROLOGUE 

I am the Prologue. He is the Device-Bearer. 
I am here to tell you about the play that hides 
behind these curtains. He serves the simple 
purpose of balancing me as a decoration. 
(The Prologue claps his hands and the Device- 
Bearer sits at the side of the stage and henceforth 
is nothing more than a small part of the picture^ 
It is possible that something difficult may creep 
into this simple play. If there is anything you 
do not understand I shall be glad to explain it 
to you. 
YOU [in audience) 

While the play is going* on? 

PROLOGUE 

Of course. 

YOU 

That will be disturbing. 

PROLOGUE 

Why? If one must talk in the theater every- 
body ought to be allowed to hear. 
Now the interesting thing about this play is 
that it isn't true at all. It is all make-beUeve. 
Nobody in it ever was^ and, unless you do your 
part, no one in it ever will be. 

YOU 

What can we do? 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 



PROLOGUE 

Believe. 

YOU 

I can't believe what isn't real. 

PROLOGUE 

Then make it real. . . . Here are the cur- 
tains. They divide you and them. . . . You 
are real, perhaps, and they are make-believe, 
surely. When these curtains open will you 
come here, shall they go there, or will you, both 
you and they, forget everything except the 
play? 

So, remove your hats, dear ladies, fix your hair 
once and for all. Clear your throats, you 
husky men, and cough now, for the play be- 
gins. Amongst you there are some so young, 
so eternally young, that they will soon be lost 
in the story. Do not disturb them if you have 
forgotten how to play. So, remove your hats, 
dear ladies, fix your hair for good and all. 
Clear your throats, you husky men, and cough 
now. See, the play begins. 
{He claps his hands and the curtains open^ dis- 
closing the scene.) 

This play is the story of what happens when 
one is guilty of a breach of etiquette. 

YOU 

What is etiquette? 

PROLOGUE 

Etiquette? Why, etiquette is living according 
to rules made by people who have never smiled. 

lO 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

. . . We are now outside the King*s Palace. 
. . . This is a gate. Through this the King 
and the King's Great-Aunt will come. The 
King will sit here, and the King's Great-Aunt 
will sit here. . . . This is the Headsman's 
block, and here the lovely Queen is to be be- 
headed before the clocks strike twelve at mid- 
day, a half an hour from now. 

YOU 

Where is it.^ 

PROLOGUE 

Who can tell what country? I wish I knew. 
. . . Are you ready? . . . Quiet, then. 
. . . Here comes the Population; and here 
the Soldiery. 

{The Prologue sits atihe side of the curtains oppo- 
site the Device-Bearer.) 

(The Population enters from one side of the 
stage^ the Soldiery from the other; the former 
carries a bit of bread; the latter a lance and a 
silken cord.) 

POPULATION 

Good-morning, Soldiery. 

SOLDIERY 

Good-morning, Population. 

POPULATION 

I've come to see the beheading. 

SOLDIERY 

You're early. 

POPULATION 

I brought my lunch. I want to see it all. 

II 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

SOLDIERY 

That's good. Now help me stretch the ropes 
to keep the Population back. 

POPULATION 

Why stretch the ropes to keep the Population 
back? 

SOLDIERY 

It is the law. 

POPULATION 

Vm the Population, and I promise that Fll 
stay back. 

SOLDIERY 

The Soldiery has a/ways stretched the ropes to 

hold the Population back. I shan't stop it 

now, whether you number one or thousands. 

Here, take this end and stretch the rope. 

(He sets his lance against the blocks and he and 

the Population stretch the rope^ laying it very 

carefully on the ground in a half-circle.) 
SOLDIERY {taking up his lance and assuming a 

professional pose y bellows) 

You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 

death. Do you hear? 
POPULATION {obsequiously^ kneeling) 

Yes, sir. 
SOLDIERY {setting down his lance artd assuming a 

human tone) 

Thank you for your help. 

POPULATION 

That's all right. 

{He offers the Soldiery a crust of bread, which is 

gratefully accepted,) 

12 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

{Indeed, the Soldiery is a very excellent and 
human person, and his fierce attitude with the 
lance and his bellowing are merely official, like a 
uniform, and as easily removed. But the Sol- 
diery has associated bellowing with taking up his 
lance so long that he is wholly automatic now, as 
he should be.) 

POPULATION 

Who are they beheading? 

SOLDIERY 

What did you say? 

POPULATION 

I said, "Who are they beheading?'* 

SOLDIERY 

Whom? 

POPULATION 

Yes, who? 

SOLDIERY 

You mustn't say "Who are they beheading?" 
You must say "Whom are they beheading?" 

POPULATION 

Nonsense. You don't say "Whom are you," 
do you? 

SOLDIERY 

Certainly not, but you ought to say "Whom 
are they beheading?" 

POPULATION 

Well, you can — 

SOLDIERY {taking up his lance, bellows) 
You say "Whom are they beheading!" 

13 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

POPULATION 

All right, if you are going to resort to force: 
Whom are they beheading? 

SOLDIERY {putting his lance down) 

I don't know. That's the Headsman's business. 

POPULATION 

I heard it was the Queen. 

SOLDIERY 

May^^. I wish it was the King's Great-Aunt. 
(The Mime and the Milkmaid enter ^ 

POPULATION 

Is the King's Great-Aunt very old? 

SOLDIERY 

She's very old and very meddlesome. She's 
into everything, and she knows every law that's 
ever passed, and she holds us to them. 
(The Mime steps forward.) 

MIME 

Is this — 
SOLDIERY {seeing him and the Milkmaid for the first 
time^ leaps for his lance and, assuming his pro- 
fessional pose, bellows) 

You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
death! Do you hear? 
{There is no answer.) 
{Bellows again) 

You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
death! Do you hear? 

{There is no answer. The Soldiery looks appeal- 
ingly at the Population) 
Do you hear? 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

{Again no answer^ and again an appeal to the 
Population) 
Do you hear? 
POPULATION {to the Milkmaid) 
Say "Yes, sir." 

MIME AND MILKMAID 

Yes, sir. 
SOLDIERY {putting down his lance) 

Why didn't you answer me the first time? 

MILKMAID 

I didn't know you wanted me to. 

SOLDIERY 

Well, I did. 

MILKMAID 

But you shouted so loud I thought you weren't 
talking to anybody in particular. 

SOLDIERY 

It's the law. 

MIME {to the Population) 

Some laws are funny, don't you think? 

POPULATION 

I don't know. A law's a law, and I'm the Pop- 
ulation, and a law is for the Population. 

MIME 

And now we know! 

SOLDIERY 

Who are you? 

MIME 

I'm a mime. 

POPULATION 

What's a mime? 

15 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

MIME 

A mime's a mime. 

SOLDIERY 

What's a mime? 

MIME 

A mime's a mountebank. 

MILKMAID 

And what's a mountebank? 

MIME 

A mountebank's a strolling player. 

SOLDIERY 

Are you going to perform for us? 

MIME 

After the decapitation. 

POPULATION 

What's your name? 
MIME {in action) 

Ho, for Jack the Juggler! Would you miss him? 

SOLDIERY 

We know all the rest of that. 

MILKMAID 

You must let him finish. 

SOLDIERY 

What's the use? 

POPULATION 

Let's have it, Jack. 

MIME 

How can I when you do not let me make my 
speech? 

MILKMAID 

Go on, we'll let you finish. 

i6 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

MIME 

Oh, no. I'll wait until the crowd is here. 

POPULATION 

I'm the crowd. 

MILKMAID 

Come on ! Come on ! 

MIME 

All right. . . . Ho, for Jack the Juggler! 
Would you miss him — 

{A cry is heard ^ ''Help the blind! Help the 
blindr' and on top of it just the refrain ''Old 
King Cole was a merry old soul'') 
(The Soldiery is on his guard immediately with 
his lance as the Blindman and the Ballad-Singer 
enter.) 
SOLDIERY {bellowing) 

You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
death! Do you hear? 

MILKMAID 

You'd better say, "Yes, sir," or he'll yell it 
again. 
SOLDIERY {begins to bellow again) 
You can't — 

BALLAD-SINGER AND BLINDMAN 

Yes, sir. 
SOLDIERY {normally) 

I've got to finish it — {and again starts) come 
inside — 

MIME 

We know the rest of it. 

SOLDIERY 

Don't interfere with the law. {Continues bellow- 

17 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

ing) The ropes on pain of death! Do you 

hear? 
ALL {eagerly) 

Yes, sir! 
SOLDIERY {putting down his lance) 

Thank you. . . . What are you doing here? 

MILKMAID 

I came to see the beheading. 

BLINDMAN 

And I, that I might tell about it. 

SINGER 

And I, that I might sing to the crowd. 

MIME 

And I, that I might dazzle you. 

POPULATION 

Everybody's here — except the Queen. Why 
not begin? 

MILKMAID 

They can't find the Queen. 

POPULATION 

Where is she? 

MILKMAID 

They've offered a reward for her — 

POPULATION 

A reward? 

MIME 

How much? 

MILKMAID 

A pail of gold and a pair of finger-rings. 

POPULATION 

Why don't you find her, Soldiery? 

i8 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

SOLDIERY 

No one told me to. 

BLINDMAN 

You say the reward is a pail of gold and a pair 
of finger-rings ? 

SINGER 

That's what she said. I know — 
SOLDIERY {taking up his lance) 
What do you know? 

BLINDMAN 

Nothing. 

SINGER 

Nothing. 

SOLDIERY 

But you said "/ know,'' Is it about the Queen.'* 
What do you know about the Queen? 

SINGER 

Shall I sing you a ballad? 

POPULATION 

Yes, sing a ballad. 

SOLDIERY 

What do you know about the Queen? 

MILKMAID 

Oh, let him sing a ballad. 

SOLDIERY 

I must do my duty. What do you know about 

the Queen ? 

{The Kings Trumpeter enters and stands at the 

center of the gate. He blows a noble blast on his 

trumpet^ 

19 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 



TRUMPETER 

His Majesty, the King! 

{All kneel except the Trumpeter as the King 
enters, followed by his Councillor.) 
{The Trumpeter blows a lesser blast ^ 
Her Highness, the King's Great- Aunt. 
{The Kings Great-Aunt enters.) 
{She and the King seat themselves ceremoniously^ 
{The Councillor bows between the King and the 
Kings Great- Aunt ^ 

{A mechanical chant is the official way of con- 
ducting cases here, and a man must learn by rote 
what he must say at trials, be he King or Coun- 
cillor^ 

COUNCILLOR {in a stiff, mechanical chant) 

Your Majesty, it is our duty to inform you 
that your wife, the Queen, is to be beheaded, 
in compHance with the law, while your Majesty's 
four clocks are striking twelve. 

KING {chanting 
Who is the aggrieved person? 

COUNCILLOR {chanting) 

The aggrieved sits on your left. 

MILKMAID {whispering) 

Doesn't the King know his wife is to be be- 
headed ? 

POPULATION {whispering) 
Of course he does. 

MILKMAID 

Then why do they tell him here? 

POPULATION 

It is the law. 

20 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

SOLDIERY {bellowing^ after he is quite sure he has 

heard the entire conversation) 

Silence! 
KING (chanting) 

Then let the aggrieved speak. 
COUNCILLOR {chanting) 

His Majesty the King bids you speak your 

grievance which is just cause for the Queen's 

beheading. 
king's great-aunt {chanting) 

Last night we were celebrating the second year 

of peace with the neighboring kingdom. We 

were dancing the minuet after the banquet — 
MILKMAID {whispering) 

Does the old lady dance? 
POPULATION {whispering) 

She tries to. 
SOLDIERY {bellowing) 

Silence! 

king's GREAT-AUNT 

When the Queen — {forgetting to chant) your 
wife — 

{The Councillor coughs and she chants again) 
stepped on the ring-toe of the King's Great- 
Aunt. 

king {chanting) 
What is your demand? 

king's great-aunt {chanting) 

I demand that the aforesaid Queen be beheaded. 

king 

By what authority? 

21 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 



KING S GREAT-AUNT 

According to the law. 

KING 

Is there such a law? 

COUNCILLOR 

There is. 

KING 

Read the law. 

COUNCILLOR {unrolling a parchment ^ reads) 

Whereas, if a Queen step on the ring-toe of the 
King's Great-Aunt, or any member of her 
family; Be it resolved, the aforesaid Queen 
must be beheaded while the King's four clocks 
are striking twelve at mid-day. 

king's great-aunt 

I demand the execution of the law. 

king 

We, the King, decree that our wife the Queen 
be beheaded to-day while our four clocks are 
striking twelve at mid-day. 

councillor 

The culprit will kneel. 

milkmaid {whispering) 
Where is the culprit? 

soldiery {bellowing) 
Silence! 
{Naturally) She isn't here. 

king {rising) 

It is not in our power to pardon you, oh, guilty 
Queen. Gracefulness is a royal possession, and 
when a Queen is no longer graceful she can no 
longer live. 

22 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

king's great-aunt {naturally) 
The Queen isn't here. 

KING 

The law will take its course. 

king's GREAT-AUNT 

Where is the Queen ? 

COUNCILLOR 

I've offered a pail of gold and a pair of finger- 
rings for her apprehension. 

king's GREAT-AUNT 

Two pails of gold if she is found! 

BLINDMAN 

Is that a promise, your Highness? 

SOLDIERY (bellows) 
Silence ! 

{Normally) Royalty can't take back any state- 
ments. 

king's great-aunt 
I mean — 

KING 

We heard what you said. We shall judge what 
you meant. 

COUNCILLOR 

It is on the stroke of twelve, your Majesty, and 
there is no Queen, no culprit. 
king's great-aunt 
Are the laws of our country to be held up to 
ridicule? Find the Queen! Four pails of gold 
if she be found! 

{The kneeling commoners are excited^ 
Six pails of gold and six pairs of finger-rings ! 
{The King's clocks begin to strike, but not in 

23 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 



unison. First there is one large one^ then two 
smaller ones^ and finally a tiny one.) 
{During the striking of the clocks there is great 
excitement. The spectators almost forget their 
manners before royalty. The Councillor buzzes 
around. The Kings Great-Aunt cries out again 
and again ^ ''Where is the ^ueen?'' ''Where is 
the culprit^'' The Soldiery ^ lance in hand^ bel- 
lows his familiar call, "You cant come inside the 
ropes'' The Trumpeter blows his trumpet. The 
King stands up and counts the strokes of the 
clocks.) 
KING {at the twelfth stroke of the tiny clock) 
The Queen is free! I now decree a holiday to 
all the land. And everybody can go to hunt 
the Queen. 

SINGER 

And if I find the Queen I shall get six pails of 
gold and six pairs of finger-rings? 

MILKMAID 

That was the promise of the King's Great- 
Aunt. 

SOLDIERY 

Silence! 

king's great-aunt 
I said — 

king 
You said just that. The King's Great-Aunt will 
give six pails of gold and six pairs of finger- 
rings to the one who finds the Queen. 

king's great-aunt 
I refuse — 

24 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

KING 

Royalty cannot refuse to fulfill a promise! 
And to the offer of my aunt I shall add six 
more pails of gold. 

BLINDMAN 

Can they behead the Queen now if they find 
her? 

KING 

They can not. 

BLINDMAN 

Then I can find her, your Majesty. 

KING 

Where is she? Come here and tell me. 

{As the Blindman steps forward, the Soldiery 

bellows ''You can't come inside the ropes,'') 

KING 

Come here! 

COUNCILLOR 

He cannot approach your Majesty. ... It 
is the law. 

SINGER 

I can find the Queen, your Majesty! 

king's GREAT-AUNT 

Ofl^ with their worthless heads! They have 
aided the escape of the culprit! 

KING 

No, I decree — 
king's great-aunt 
The law! The law! 

COUNCILLOR 

Her Highness is right, your Majesty. The law 

25 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

states that anyone guilty of aiding a culprit to 
escape must be beheaded. 

SINGER 

We did not aid, 

BLINDMAN 

No, we did not. 
king's great-aunt 
The word of a commoner cannot stand. 

COUNCILLOR 

Soldiery, do your duty! 
king's great-aunt 

Now, we shall have a beheading after all! 
soldiery {to Singer and Blindman) 

Come on, step up! 

MILKMAID 

Mercy, have mercy! 

SOLDIERY 

Step up. 

{The Ballad-Singer and the Blindman walk to 
the side of the block and there the Soldiery binds 
them together^ all the while they protest their in- 
nocence.) 

{At this moment the Headsman is heard ^ '^Her 
Majesty the ^ueen and Sir David Little-Boy, 
Her Majesty the ^een and Sir David Little- 
Boyr) 

{The Headsman^ bearing his ax, enters in his 
own stately way, and with the utmost dignity 
starts to approach the King, but as he nears the 
rope, the Soldiery bellows his command, ''You 
can't come inside the ropes.'' The Headsman 
stops shorty but slays the Soldiery with a glance.) 

26 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

HEADSMAN 

The King*s Headsman, the Winder of the King's 
Four Clocks — 

SOLDIERY 

You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
death. Do you hear? 

HEADSMAN 

Yes, I hear. ( Then he calls with refined dignity) 
Her Majesty the Queen and Sir David Little- 
Boy! 

( The ^een and the Boy enter. The boy suddenly 
becomes very conscious of being in the presence of 
the King.) 

king's GREAT-AUNT 

Oh, there you are! 

KING 

My Queen! 

COUNCILLOR 

It is not etiquette, your Majesty. 
KING {recalling the proper procedure ^ chants) 

Who is this before us? 
QUEEN {chanting) 

It is your wife, the Queen. 

KING 

And who stands beside our Queen? 

BOY 

Fm— 

SOLDIERY 

Silence! 

QUEEN 

This is Sir David Little-Boy. 

27 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

COUNCILLOR 

There is no Sir David Little-Boy in the royal 
almanac, your Majesty. 

KING 

Who is this Sir David Little-Boy, Sir Heads- 
man? 

HEADSMAN 

He helped the Queen to escape. 

B LI NOMA N 

Is that the little boy who gave me the lentils 
when I was hungry, and who would not break 
a promise? 

SINGER 

It's the little boy to whom I sang two ballads. 

BOY 

Queen, why are my two friends bound to- 
gether ? 

QUEEN 

Sir David, first we must tell them who you are. 
BOY {stepping forward) 
I— 

HEADSMAN 

Address the King. 

BOY 

King— 

HEADSMAN 

That's not the way. 

BOY 

What do I do? 

HEADSMAN 

Watch me. {He struts forward and kneels ,^ 
Your Majesty — see, that way. 

28 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

BOY {imitating the Headsman as only a little boy 

can imitate his elders) 

Your Majesty, I am the little boy who lives in 

the yellow cottage on the short-cut to the 

headsman's block. 
king's great-aunt 

How does it happen that you are called Sir 

David, upstart? 

BOY 

Fm not an upstart. The Queen called me Sir 
David Little-Boy. 
king's great-aunt 
What right has the Queen to create a knight? 
Well? 

QUEEN 

By the law passed by my great-great-grand- 
father. 

king's great-aunt 

There is no such law. 
queen 

Oh, yes, there is. Aunt. 
councillor 

I think your Majesty's memory fails. 

QUEEN 

It does not fail. 

BOY 

Queen, I won't be Sir David if it will cause you 
trouble. 

QUEEN 

A Queen has one trouble or another, but this 
will be my last. 

29 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

king's great-aunt 
Will you permit this insolence, your Majesty? 

KING 

Her Majesty the Queen claims a law. Can she 
produce the law? 

QUEEN 

I can, your Majesty. 

KING 

Where is it? 

QUEEN 

Here {she takes a scroll from her dress). I found 

it in the room of the King's Great-Aunt. 
king's great-aunt 

By what right does a Queen steal into my 

apartment? Seize her! 

{The Soldiery starts to take the ^ueen.) 
king 

Hands off the Queen ! 

{The ^ueen takes a step to cross the ropes,) 
SOLDIERY {bellows) 

You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 

death. Do you hear? 
queen 

But I'm the Queen. 
SOLDIERY {normally) 

Duty is duty, your Majesty, law is law. {Bel- 
lowing) You can't come inside the ropes, on 

pain of death. Do you hear? 

QUEEN 

Yes, I hear. 

30 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

KING 

Sir Headsman, bring me the law. 
{The Headsman is about to obey.) 
Soldiery {bellows) 

You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
death. Do you hear? 

KING 

Then I shall go to the Queen. 

COUNCILLOR 

Your Majesty, it is not fitting. 

BLINDMAN 

I am about to die, oh. Queen; let me give the 
law. 

QUEEN 

About to die? 

BOY 

He is my friend! ... If the ropes weren't 
there could I take the law to the King? 

QUEEN 

Surely. 

BOY 

Let's take the ropes away. 

QUEEN 

Alas, it can't be done. 

BOY 

Let's coil the ropes. 

QUEEN 

How? 

BOY 

So. {He quickly coils the ropes,) 

31 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

SOLDIERY (bellows) 
You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
death. Do you hear? 

BOY 

You can't get inside the ropes ! There isn't any- 
inside. 
QUEEN {going to the king) 

Here is the law, your Majesty. 
KING {about to embrace her) 

My Queen! 
king's great-aunt 

I protest. 
councillor 

It is not seemly, your Majesty. . . . FU 

take the law. 

KING 

Read the law. 

COUNCILLOR 

It may be better to discuss it first. 

KING 

Read the law! 
COUNCILLOR {reading) 

Whereas, all relatives have had an upper hand 
in my kingdom for three generations and have 
passed laws that make it difficult for our 
Queens; Be it resolved, that all such laws shall 
stand, because etiquette and discipline are good 
for all mankind, but should there ever be a 
Queen who can escape the punishments devised 
by relatives she shall be absolute, and there- 
after her word will be the law, for any woman 

32 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

who can outwit her husband's relatives is 
worthy to rule a nation. 

QUEEN 

I have escaped. I claim the reward of the law. 

KING 

Your word is absolute. Henceforth you are 
the law. 
king's great-aunt {feathering her nest) 
Dearest, mount the throne. 

QUEEN 

Nay, I shall mount the Headman's block. 
{She mounts the Headman's blocks and she is 
very beautiful,) 
I, the Queen — 

COUNCILLOR 

Your Majesty, it is proper to say "We, the 
Queen"— 

QUEEN 

I, the Queen, do first hereby reiterate that this 
brave knight is Sir David Little-Boy. Second, 
that — 

COUNCILLOR 

You should chant it, your Majesty. 
QUEEN {sti/l in normal tones) 

Second, that the office of King's Councillor be 

vacant; third, that the King's Great- Aunt give 

up her ring or her ring-toe — 
king's great-aunt 

Mercy! I am too old to lose my ring! I should 

die without my ring-toe! 
queen 

Very well, you shall keep your ring and your 

toe; but when we dance the minuet you must 

Z7> 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

sit on your foot, for in future I shall step when 

and where I please. ... Sit on your foot! 

{The Kings Great- Aunt sits on her foot and 

wails.) 
king's great-aunt 

What is the country coming to! {But she is 

very glad to save her toe,) 
YOU {in the audience) 

Pshaw! this play is just like every other one. 

PROLOGUE 

It isn't over yet. You just wait. 

QUEEN 

Fourth^ the Soldiery must lay down his arms. 
SOLDIERY {bellows) 
You can't come — 

QUEEN 

Lay down your arms! 

SOLDIERY 

Pardon me, your Majesty, it was habit. {He 
lays down his lance.) 

QUEEN 

Loose the bonds from the Blindman and the 

Ballad-Singer. 

{The Soldiery does so.) 

Sir David, your hand. 

{The Boy, in a glow of wonder, steps forward.) 

Here are your friends. 

king's GREAT-AUNT 

A noble cannot have friends among the com- 
moners ! 

QUEEN 

Quite true. Quite true. . . . Mime, step 

34 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

forward. . . . Kneel. . . . Arise, Sir 
Mime. Every Friday afternoon you shall have 
an hour's sport with Sir David Little-Boy. 

MIME 

Please, your Majesty, I must wander far away 
in search of farthings from the crowds of all 
the world. 

QUEEN 

You make men happy with your play. We 

give you farthings. You will not want. 

{As she speaks to each of the others^ she makes 

the gesture of knighting him,) 

{They kneel together,) 

QUEEN 

To you, sweet Lady Milkmaid, I give a spotted 
cow; to you. Sir Blindman, a cushion and a 
canopy at the castle gate; to you. Sir Ballad- 
Singer, a vermilion cloak. Arise. And now, 
Sir Little-Boy — {She leans over him) to you who 
saved my life, to you who kept your promise, 
for your mother I give a velvet gown, a silken 
kerchief, and a cloth-of-gold bonnet, and for 
yourself I give a milk-white palfrey, two pails 
of gold, two finger-rings, a castle, and a sword. 
Sir Councillor — 

{The Councillor comes forward and she whispers 
in his ear,) 

COUNCILLOR 

The little one, your Majesty? 

QUEEN 

The best one. Sir Councillor! 

{The Councillor goes into the Castle,) 

35 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 



QUEEN 

Court is dismissed! Your Highness, my hus- 
band's Great-Aunt, you may go to your room. 
You have caused us years of anguish; but I 
forgive you. Trumpeter, lead her Highness 
away in state. 

{The Trumpeter blows a little blast and exits y 
shouting ''Make way j or her Highness ^ the Kings 
Great-Aunt!'') 

{The Kings Great- Aunt rises with difficulty and 
waddles away in defeat,) 
king's great-aunt {mumbling) 
I never thought I'd live to see the day — but 
times have changed. {Exits into the Castle.) 

QUEEN 

The Population may go into the gardens. The 

Soldiery may take a holiday. 

{The Population and the Soldiery go out arm in 

arm.) 

Sir Headsman, you may take your ax to the 

museum. 

BOY 

Queen, can he come back and tell me stories? 

QUEEN 

Whenever you may wish. . . . 
{The Headsman starts to go) 

BOY 

Sir Headsman — 

HEADSMAN {magnificent to the end) 
Sir Headsman — 

36 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 



BOY 

Sir Headsman— 

HEADSMAN 

Alas, Sir Headsman, no more. I am now only 
the Winder of the King's Four Clocks. 

BOY 

Sir Winder of the King's Four Clocks, I — 

HEADSMAN {with the ghost of a smile) 

Sir Winder of the King's Four Clocks ! That 
is the longest title in the kingdom. There is 
some consolation in that. . . . Well? 

BOY (looking at the ^eens neck) 

You said your ax was so sharp it would cut a 
hair in two. 

HEADSMAN 

I did and it will. 

BOY 

How could it? 

Headsman 

Easily. This way. {He swings it downward 
with all the grace of achieving his swans song 
with it.) See? 

BOY 

How do you spell hair? 

HEADSMAN 

H-A-R-E, of course. How else? 

BOY 

Why, H-A-I-R. 

37 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

HEADSMAN 

I never quibble. 

{He bows to the ^ueen, the crowds and You 
superbly; and he departs.) 

PROLOGUE 

He is going to the Museum where other rehcs 
are; but civihzation will always respect him and 
remember his ax and keep it sharp. 

(The ^een takes her place where the Kings 
Great-Aunt had sat.) 

QUEEN 

And now my friends and friends of Sir David, 
you may say good-bye. In an hour we shall 
meet in the banqueting hall for pies and 
cherry tarts and cakes and things. 
{The Mime steps forward.) 

MIME 

Sir David Little-Boy, I am your slave. 

{He bows very deeply and lays his hand in the 
Boy's. When he has gone Sir David finds that 
he is clasping a golden ball.) 
{The Milkmaid comes to Sir David.) 

MILKMAID 

Isn't it wonderful! 

{And before he knows it she has thrown her arms 

around his neck and kissed him and passed on.) 

{He doesn't know whether to smile or blush^ but 

he does hang his head.) 

{The Blindman shuffles up to him.) 

38 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

BLINDMAN 

You only have to close your eyes to make 
things true. {And passes on,) 
{The Ballads inger comes,) 

SINGER 

Hello! 

BOY 

Sing me a ballad. 

SINGER 

Later — perhaps. 

BOY 

No, now. 

QUEEN 

Just for us. 

{The Boy sits between her and the King on the 
step at their feet. The Ballad-Singer sits close 
beside him,) 

SINGER 

This is the Ballad of the Silver Star and the 

Crescent Moon. 

{Sings to the wondering Boy,) 

Oh, a silver star and a crescent moon 
Afloat in the sunset sky 
Can make a smile on a scowling face, 
Tho' the face be you or I. 

For the silver star and the crescent moon 
Are like memories afar — 
We always dream at the guarded gate 
And pass the gate ajar. 

39 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

There's a moral to my little song, 

For hearts bowed down and hearts in tune — 

The silver star is a distant dream 

And a waxing hope is the crescent moon. 

Good-bye. And don't forget that the King's 
Great-Aunt owes you six pails of gold. Good- 
bye. 

{He dashes of.) 

(The Boy sits in wonder a moment and then 
looks first at the smiling ^ueen^ then at the pleasant 
King. He takes the knife from his pouch and 
shows it to the King.) 

BOY 

Have you seen my knife? 

{The King slips down beside him^ which makes 
the Boy gasp. It isnt everybody who sits beside 
a King.) 

KING 

We had a little boy like you, and he loved his 
knife. . . . He was a Prince. . . . How 
would you like to be a Prince? 

BOY 

I think — Fd like it. 

{He is almost breathless^ talking to a King!) 
{The Councillor enters and hands something to 
the ^een.) 

KING 

And would you like to be my son? 

BOY 

Yes, sir. 

40 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROW N 

QUEEN 

And mine ? 

{As she sits beside him. Now they are not like 
King and ^ueen and a little Knight. They are 
just three people sitting together.) 
BOY (to the lovely ^een) 

Next to my mother I like you. 

KING 

If you were our little boy, some day you would 
be a King. 

BOY 

Oh — I couldn't be a King. 

QUEEN 

Why not? 

BOY 

I wouldn't know what to do. 

KING 

There are many kings who do not know what 
to do. 

QUEEN 

And think of all the happiness you could make. 

BOY 

Could I do whatever I wanted to do? 

KING 

If you were wise. 

BOY 

Could I give a ring to the Blindman? 

KING 

Oh, yes. 

BOY 

And ask him in? 

41 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

QUEEN 

Surely. 

BOY 

Then — would I have to have a Great-Aunt? 

KING 

Not now. 

BOY 

Or a Councillor? 

QUEEN 

All that is abolished now. 

BOY 

Then — youVe sure I wouldn't have a Great- 
Aunt? 

QUEEN 

Quite sure. 

BOY 

Then — Vd like to be a king! 

QUEEN 

All right. Shut your eyes. 

BOY 

Oh, I know — the Blindman told me to shut my 
eyes to make things come true. 
(He shuts his eyes very tight. The ^ueen un- 
wraps the something which the Councillor brought. 
It is a beautiful crown. She places it on the 
boy's head.) 

QUEEN 

Open your eyes! 

{He opens his eyes and his hands steal up to the 

crown. He can't believe his touch?) 

BOY 

Oh! 

42 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

QUEEN 

How do you feel? 
BOY {gasping) 
All right. 

KING 

You are a Prince now. 

{He takes a cape from his shoulder and throws it 

about the Boy's shoulders.) 

Arise, my Son and Prince. 

{The Boy stands up^ and he looks every inch a 

little king in his crown and robe.) 

BOY 

x^m I a real prince? 

QUEEN 

As, real as the King or I. 

{The Boy walks a princely step or two, when a 
voice is heard calling ''David! David!'' It is the 
sweetest voice in the world, and it is sad and 
troubled now. The Boy stops short.) 

BOY 

My mother! 

VOICE 

David! 

BOY 

I am here, Mother. 

{The mother enters. She is the most beautiful 
woman in the world — like your mother and mine, 
but her eyes are wide with fear,) 

MOTHER 

David! Oh, I thought I had lost you! My 
boy! my boy! 

43 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

BOY 

Mother, I am a Prince. 

MOTHER 

Oh, my Httle dream-boy, you are always my 
Prince. Why did you run away? 

BOY 

I didn't run away. I came to save the Queen. 
And now I am a Prince. 

MOTHER 

The Queen ^ A Prince ! 

(She sees the King and ^een.) 

Oh, your Majesties! {And hows very low.) 

QUEEN 

Arise, Lady Little-Boy. We have made your 
boy our son and heir. 

MOTHER 

Does that mean — I must — he must go from — 
me? 

KING 

When his country calls he must go. 

BOY 

You mean I must leave my mother? 

KING 

Some day you must leave her. 
BOY {to his mother) 

But don't you need me now? 

MOTHER 

David, if you are meant to be a king, I want 
you to be a king. 

44 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROW N 

QUEEN 

We'll leave you here together. You can tell 

him what you know. 

(6*^^ understands what ail women understand.) 

KING 

Farewell, my Prince. 

QUEEN 

My little boy! 

{They leave the mother and the boy together.) 

MOTHER 

David, isn't it wonderful! 

BOY 

Mother, did they mean I had to leave you? 

MOTHER 

You will be a king. 

BOY 

I can't leave you. 

{He sits disconsolately on the step of the Kings 
seat.) 
MOTHER {sitting beside him) 

You are going to grow up to be a great, fine 
man, my David-Boy, and you will be a king. 
Some day you would have to leave me anyway 
— to go out into the world and seek your 
fortune. 

BOY 

But not so soon. 

MOTHER 

I'll be near, and I'll see you every day. You 
will be a king, my boy! 

45 



PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 

BOY 

You'll be all alone. 

MOTHER 

Oh, no, my boy, never alone. For every hour 
of every day I'll think of you and dream of you. 

BOY 

Who'll help you work? 

MOTHER 

There'll be no work. It will all be play, for 
my boy is going to be a king. 

BOY {as he leans his head against her shoulder) 
Oh, Mother, I'm so tired! 

MOTHER {placing her arm about him) 

I know. Do you remember how I used to sing 
a little lullaby to you when you were tired? 

BOY {his eyes are heavy with sleep) 
Uh-huh. 

{The mother hums softly as she places her cheek 
against his heady but the crown interferes some- 
what.) 

BOY 

Sing it out. I like the words. 
MOTHER {singing) 
Sleep, Davie, sleep — 

BOY 

No, I like the old words — the ones when I was 
a little boy. 

MOTHER 

Sleep, baby, sleep — 
Close your tired eyes; 
Here's a kiss from father, 
To make you wealthy; 

46 



SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 

Here's a kiss from mother, 

To make you healthy; 

And God the Father blows a kiss 

To make you wise. 

Sleep, baby, sleep. 

Close your tired eyes. 

{The Boy snuggles against his mother and then 
reaches up and takes of the crown. She carefully 
places it beside her and continues her lullaby as 
the curtains close.) 
YOU {in the audience) 

Well, will he be a king or not? 

PROLOGUE 

His mother knows. 

{The Prologue and the Device-Bearer bow and 
disappear.) 

{The ladies may arrange their hair and the gen- 
tlemen may cough to their throats' content.) 

The Curtains Close 



47 



SHORT PLAYS 

By MARY MacMILLAN 



To fill a long-felt want. All have been successfully pre- 
sented. Suitable for Women's Clubs, Girls' Schools, etc. 
While elaborate enough for big presentation, they may be 
given very simply. 

This volume contains ten Plays: 

The Shadowed Star has six women, one boy; may all be taken 
by women. Time, present. Scene, in a tenement Christmas 
Eve. One act, 45 minutes. 

The Ring. Costume play. Time, days of Shakespeare. Three 
women, seven men. Scene, interior. One act, 45 minutes. 

The Rose. One woman, two men. Time, Elizabethan. Scene, 
castle interior. One act, 30 minutes. Song introduced. 

Luck. Four short acts. Time, present. Interior scene. 
Seven women, six men. Comedy. 

Entre^ Acte. Costume play. Time, present. Scene, interior. 
Two women, one man. Contains a song. One act. 

A Woman s a Woman for A* That. Time, present. Interior 
scene. One act, 45 minutes. Three women, two men. Comedy. 

A Fan and Two Candlesticks. Costume play. Colonial times. 
Scene, interior. Two men, one woman. One act, 20 to 30 
minutes. Written in rhymed couplets. 

A Modern Masque. Time, present. Scene, outdoors. Fan- 
tastic, written in prose and verse. Costume play in one act, 
30 minutes or more. Four women, three men. 

The Futurists. One-act farce, of the first woman's club of the 
early eighties. Interior. Forty-five minutes Eight women. 

The Gate of Wishes. One-act fantasy. Outdoors. Half hour. 
One girl, one man. Singing voices of fairies. 

Handsomely bound and uniform with S. & K. Dramatic Series. 
i2mo. Cloth, Net, $2.^0; Y^, Turkey Morocco, Net, $8.^0. 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

018 360 476 4 §) 



Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays 

Edited by 
FRANK SHAY and PIERRE LOVING 

THIS volume contains FIFTY REPRESENTATIVE ONE-ACT PLAYS 
of the MODERN THEATER, chosen from the dramatic works of con- 
temporary writers all over the world and is the second volume in the 
Stewart Kidd Dramatic Anthologies, the first being European Theories of the 
Drama, by Barrett H. Clark, which has been so enthusiastically received. 

The editors have scrupulously sifted countless plays and have selected the 
best available in English. One-half the plays have never before been pub- 
lished in book form ; thirty-one are no longer available in any other edition. 
The work satisfies a long-felt want for a handy collection of the choicest 
plays produced by the art theaters all over the world. It is a complete reper- 
tory for a little theater, a volume for the study of the modern drama, a rep- 
resentative collection of the world's best short plays. 

CONTENTS 



AUSTRIA 

Schnitzler (Arthur) — Literature 
BELGIUM 

Maeterlinck (Maurice) — The Intruder 
BOLIVIA 

More (Federico) — Interlude 
DENMARK 

Wied (Gustave) — ^Autumn Fires 
FRANCE 

Ancey (George) — M. Lamblin 
Porto- Riche (Georges) — Francoise's Luck 
GERMANY 

Ettinger (Karl) — Altruism 

von Hofmannsthal (Hugo) — Madonna Dia- 

nora 
Wedekind (Frank)— The Tenor 
GREAT BRITAIN 

Bennett (Arnold) — A Good Woman 
Calderon (George)— The Little Stone House 
Cannan (Gilbert) — Mary's Wedding 
Dowson (Ernest) — The Pierrot of the Min- 
ute. 
Ellis (Mrs. Havelock) — The Subjection 

of Kezia 
Hankin (St. John) — The Constant Lover 
INDIA 

Mukerji (Dhan Gopal) — The Judgment of 
Indra 
IRELAND 

Gregory (Lady) — ^The Workhouse Ward 
HOLLAND 

Speenhoff (J. H.) — ^Louise 
HUNGARY 

Biro (Lajos) — The Grandmother 
ITALY 

Giocosa (Giuseppe) — The Rights of the Soul 
RUSSIA 

Andreyev (Leonid) — Love of One's Neigh- 
bor 
Tchekoff (Anton)— The Boor 



SPAIN 

Benevente (Jacinto) — His Widow's Hus- 
band 

Quinteros (Serafina and Joaquin Alverez) 
— A Sunny Morning 

SWEDEN 

Strindberg (August) — The Creditor 

UNITED STATES 

Beach (Lewis) — Brothers 
Cowan (Sada) — In the Morgue 
Crocker (Bosworth) — The Baby Carriage 
Cronyn (George W.) — A Death in Fever 

Flat 
Davies (Mary Carolyn) — The Slave with 

Two Faces 
Day (Frederick L.) — The Slump 
Flanner (Hildegard) — Mansions 
Glaspell (Susan)— Trifles 
Gerstenberg (Alice) — The Pot Boiler 
Helburn (Theresa) — Enter the Hero 
Hudson (Holland) — The Shepherd in the 

Kemp (Harry) — Boccaccio's Untold Tale 
Langner (Lawrence) — Another Way Out 
MacMillan (Mary) — The Shadowed Star 
Millay (Edna St. Vincent) — Aria da Capo 
Moeller (Philip) — Helena's Husband 
O'Neill (Eugene) — He 
Stevens (Thomas Wood) — The Nursery 

Maid of Heaven 
Stevens (Wallace)— Three Travelers Watch 

a Sunrise 
Tompkins (Frank G.) — Sham 
Walker (Stuart) — The Medicine Show 
Wellman (Rita)— For All Time 
Wilde (Percival) — The Finger of God 

YIDDISH 

Ash (Shplom) — Night 

Pinski (David) — Forgotten Souls 



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